Archive for November, 2010

The Truckstop, and Billy Newsom

Wednesday, November 24th, 2010

Driving 1000 miles on interstates over the past three days, primarily through northern Illinois, Iowa, and southern Minnesota, not a single Jackson Center product was seen being towed.  Not surprising with temperatures in the mid-teens, snowbirds have already won the race with the sandhill cranes and the Canadian geese on the migration south before Thanksgiving.  

There are, however, 100s of trucks, semis, and over-the-road warriors every hour.  What I found interesting is that few firms refer to themselves as truck companies.  Even truckers proudly (and euphemistically) call themselves teamsters although it is unlikely any driver has ever handled the reins of two or more horses at one time.  

splattybanner200x160.gif

This is a contagious disease, as common today as when a politician will look straight into a network camera and say, “my previous statement was the result of cognitive dissonance, i.e., a misstatement released by my publicist in error”.  

Translation:  I lied.  

The FED chairman, staid Ben Bernanke, is equally guilty when, seated behind a microphone, testifying to a bevy of bored congressmen, he comments that “the reserve has opted for quantitative easement to counteract the debt crisis”.

Translation: I’m printing more money.  

The committee yawns.

So I take an opportunity to stop at what is hailed as World’s Largest Truck Stop, near Walcott, IA.  Although not shopping for chrome or seeking a wash at the TruckoMat, I decided to cruise the lot to find a 53′ semi trailer labeled a truck.  Not as easy as you might think.  It took 47 to finally locate a rig marked Billy Newsome Truck Lines*.  

million_mile_hmpg.gif

Here’s what you see instead:

  • Expedited  Freight Systems
  • Buchanan Hauling and Rigging
  • C & W Gooseneck Services
  • Watson Freight Management
  • Magnum Logistics
  • Integrated Logistic Systems
  • International Logistics Express

Logistic seems to be a buzzword in this monster lot, although transport, transit, transportation, consolidated, and LLC are quite popular too.  Ignoring the saturation of JBHunt, Werner, England, and WalMart, I head straight to my cellphone and dial 1-888-TRUCKIN.

In the back of my mind I hear the refrain of the Grateful Dead blues-rock anthem, “truckin” and the following conversation ensues:

“Gudaftanoon, Billy Newsome Trucking, mayihepyou ?”

“Yes, may I speak with Billy ?”

“Juneyor or Seenyor ?”

” Either one would be o.k.”

“Well BigBilly is ovuh at his sistahs havin’ coffee, but LilBilly is rut heah beside me, I’ll put him on”

“Billy heah, canIhepyou ?”

“Yes, please, why did you name your company Billy Newsome Trucking ?”

“Cuz thatz what we do, truck.  We haul salvage, wood debris, and agricultural waste, but we’re here to serve.  Why ya askin ?”

” I was just curious, but also to thank you being clear, precise, unambiguous, and avoiding euphemism”

“Not sure what all that means, but you’re welcome, call anytime”

Yes, this is the world’s biggest truck stop, and yes, America moves by truck, but don’t be surprised the day you see, along side the T/A, Love’s, and Flying J, Intrastate Logistic Restaurant & Fuel, LLC. I’ll be at the counter sharing a donut with John Ratzenberger.

logo_roadys_small.jpg

*name changed to protect the innocent from more stupid callers.  

And for the rest of you guys, this is what you get when I drop down to the 5th spot.

On the wings of a gull *

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2010

*alert:contains no trailer reference, delete at will.

Random thoughts while traveling solo, eight hundred plus miles, to eastern NY for a convention (older cars) allows for hours of quiet contemplation, in spite of the roar of a flapping canvas top and the whistle through aging rubber window seals in a 50 y/o roadster. 

An early obstacle is exiting the Indiana Toll Road (now leased to a French/Spanish consortium) at the eastpoint gate. There are no toll taker persons, only I-Zoom, credit card, or cash options at a vertical vending machine.  The wait is more than thirty minutes, as I was the fifth vehicle back.  You can’t make this stuff up. Although I was prepared to pay quickly, the cash receiver is too high to reach, the lane too narrow to open the door, and being 20 years older than the car, I am neither nimble nor agile enough to stretch up to the one-armed bandit.  I wished during those few moments to be transformed into the legendary comic book character, Plastic Man.  I’m torn between saying grácias or merci´ as I escape incarceration from my own state. Wally Buch, a Californian on a 2500 mile trek, relayed a similar untimely fate.  Ohhh the agony.

Ohio is a blur, a wet and stormy challenge to old Bosch wipers, an endless 241-mile car wash.  The only highlight, meeting up with the Ocean Spray Cranberry crew bus; you know, the two goofballs waist deep in a cranberry bog emulating a Grant Wood gothic, extolling the virtue of a juice that acidifies kidney function.

dscn5622.JPG

Buzz and Clarence in hip waders

Reaching Buffalo the following morning during rush hour, one might wonder why anyone would live here.  Really, I would select Buffalo ahead of say, Darfur, or Juarez, Mexico, if allowed only three choices, but get me out of here.  Pronto.

Crossing upstate New York is a spelling bee gone awry.  Onontaga, Cheektowaga, Canandaigua and plenty of other words I can’t spell or pronounce, revel in the presence of casinos, a shameful and ubiquitous blight on our American landscape.  Billboards depict attractive 30-somethings dressed in eveningwear or exquisite casual clothing celebrating their financial bonanza, gaiety embraced with champagne toasts.  They are smiling.  They have white teeth.

The reality; spend a few minutes at the elaborate entrance of any casino and the dress code vacillates between wrinkled dockers and nursing home casual.  No one is smiling, so the paint code of the dentures remains a mystery.  I’m no anti-gambling zealot and tend to enjoy a spirited poker game, a half-cent a point bridge game, or friendly wager on Notre Dame football, but when did we decide that issuing gaming licenses to Indian tribes is somehow restitution for pillaging their birthright.  Yes, we’ve been told that the revenue skimmed from the losers is to benefit the tribes and public education.  But illiteracy, unemployment, and substance abuse remain rampant in most tribes, and I don’t see much improvement in our ability to educate youngsters either.  Fantasy is a popular illusion, but isn’t this just a disguise for a stupidity tax?

The reception at the four star Saratoga Hilton Hotel is much nicer than last night’s Comfort Inn.  I find that comforting.  Discomforting is the story in the WSJ that Hilton is broke and currently “restructuring”.  Could this portend a financial setback for that cute little celeb, Paris, whose talent, if it exists at all, has escaped me.  Woe for her cosmetic surgeon and tattoo artist.

Although I’m sizzled from road burn, the convention ladies registration table, like Lady Liberty, welcomes the wretched and weary.  Not only do the GWG wives wear attractive clothing, look good, they even smell nice, which prompts me to go to my room for a bath. You know when you soak in the tub with a mini plastic bottle labeled Crabtree & Evelyn Relaxing Body Bath, you are engaged in upscale pleasure….no need for Xanax here.  Accentuating the high-end experience: toilet paper ends folded in the popular paper airplane motif.  Terry cloth bathrobe, 800 count Egyptian cotton sheets, this is the life.

The convention template reflects past prologue…conviviality, a decadent amount of food and drink, interesting side trips, and the requisite greasy fingernail tech sessions, like small boys in the treehouse plotting a war strategy against erector set calamities.   And they are serious.

Rain dampened the Friday rally, however, we (the revered Pinky Winther, Bryant Kolle of Hagerty, and myself) still managed 150 miles, revisited the battle of Saratoga, a victory over those clever English waistcoats and their cute accents. We actually ventured into Vermont, part of so-called New England, where people have accents, a curious blend of Brooklyn mixed with Alabama, exempting the ability to pronounce the letter “R”.  We also met a couple from a neighboring state, ‘ noohampsha ‘, who, in spite of their speech impediment, seemed to be very nice.  Aside from people who talk funny, an overdose of quaint village antique shops, and farmstands, we are caught in a serpentine crawl of fall color leaf seekers.

Like driving through Buffalo, only everyone has a Toyota Prius or an aging Volvo station wagon.  The latter distinguished by bearded, pony-tailed drivers behind the wheel.  Even the men.   Where else will you see bumper stickers, “Libertarian on Board”, “Stop honking, I’m texting my hairdresser”, or “Dukakis/Bentsen in 88” ?  O.k., so I made those up, but these people are different.

Ironically, after three days of steady rain and overcast, the sun finally broke through on a magnificent Saturday morning…. ? so what did we do ?….move the cars to an indoor ballroom, the ambiance of fluorescent lighting and filtered air, and have a “car show” closed to the public.  This is not a critique of the convention hosts, who have worked themselves into exhaustion over a year of planning and successful execution, but who or what are we hiding from?  UV exposure? Carjackers?  Just a thought.  Outside, the most glamorous thoroughfare in the northeast, Broadway Avenue, Saratoga Springs, NY, in the peak of the season, beckoned in silence.  Much like the Greek goddess, Persephone, an innocent maiden.

The concours did provide a quiet and private reunion between three friends; me, a very happy and proud Frank Spellman, and my old hardtop, as shown below;

dscn5686.JPG

I must concede that Frank’s new “coupe” dazzled the voyeurs and resulted in a well-deserved trophy.  Macular degeneration and diabetic retinopathy be damned, his presentation of options displayed is the finest in the world. The Saturday evening formal banquet came and went, yet again, without receiving an artistic trophy creation of Tom and Linda Bau.  I’ve concluded that, unless I agree to host a convention in remote Detour Village, MI, my chance for one of the masterpieces is nil.

For a “D-lister”, I was fortunate to secure seating at the northern California table (translation: A-List, Power Table) for the banquet.  For an old Hoosier, I felt akin to Gomer Pyle, but the Golden Staters were thoughtful enough to bring copious amounts of vintage wine.  Once we were all liquored up, they treated me like Meg Whitman.  I need to change perfume.

Since my wife Lynn was unable to attend the convention, I opted to leave before the dancing with the stars portion of the evening began.  Confined to the two-step and the waltz, I need those footprint illustrations glued to the floor for guidance, and I’m a stranger to rap and/or hip-hop.  Should y
ou allow the true beauty of your soul to be exposed on the dance floor, you are not attractive.  You are leaking.

Alone back in my room, haunting questions nag the very depth of my soul.  Who has the deeper voice, Carolina’s Ted Bready or the MB classic center’s Tom Hanson?  Either one could challenge Richard Sterban, bass for the Oak Ridge Boys.  And more vexing, which convention wife was rumored to have appeared in no less than nine different ensembles in the short 96 hours ?  Yes, one 5 mgm. Ambien should be enough.

The return trip was not a mirror reflection of the week before.  Allowing an extra day, eschewing urban torture, I wove my way back through dozens, perhaps a hundred or more small towns with a single preplanned stop in Galion, OH to examine and appraise a 123 chassis 280 CE coupe.  It was very average, worth barely a 1/3rd the widow’s asking price.  You never know.  As long as there are barns, there will always be barn finds.

There were more stories, but little time left to share.  Not a single interstate, not a single toll, and without a passport, I wasn’t sure I would be allowed entry in to Indiana after a week in exile.

Post Script

On an excursion to Gloversville, NY, we were privileged to tour the car collection of James Taylor.

dscn5655.JPG

Tucked away in the corner, an early motor home fashioned on a Ford chassis, that had been used to extol the virtues of the gospel. It had been used by the the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago to spread the word. Or spread something.

dscn5646.JPG

A spartan interior, and twin beds, to insure that only the Bible gets thumped

About the Author

Retired 1997.
Frequent travel. Loyal companions: wife, Lynn; dog, Jack.
Avocation: writing social and political satire.
Past life: three decade clinical pharmacy owner. Now in recovery.
Location: Northern Indiana, Eastern U.P. of Michigan, Southern Arizona

No telephone;
E-mail cspiher@aol.com